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Topic: My Happiness

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My Happiness

I wrote a one off a while ago about Cutler and I was asked to do another for Hal but I never got round to doing it until now. I'm going to post both the Cutler and Hal stories as they go best together. I can't get on to fanfiction on my university's internet so I'm going to post the story here instead. This takes place in series 4 when Hal walks into Stokers and sees Cutler for the first time in 55 years. Hope you enjoy :)



I look at you and I feel nothing, see nothing and I can’t remember why you intimidated me. I feared you, hated you yet loved you at the same time. I wanted your respect, your friendship and I wanted you to be proud of me. Everything I did, everything I have done has been for you. Even though you were gone I still wanted to impress you, do something worthy of you.

I longed to hear anything but disappointment or contempt in your voice. I used to lay awake at night and wonder if you thought I was a mistake. I was terrified of the day you realised you no longer wanted me. You used to look right through me, ignore me when I spoke and leave a room when I walked into it. But I carried on.

I worked harder and harder to make you see me, to make you love me. I threw away everything else I had ever loved for you. And what I didn’t get rid of you managed to destroy anyway. All I wanted was one “good job” or a “well done”. Would that really have been too hard to say?

It was your fault. You made me into a history maker, you lifted your expectations of me but no matter how hard I tried I was never going to fulfil them. You made me feel all of that. Made my life a confusion for years. I finally have a purpose, a plan that I’m following.

I’m in control. I know how this is going to plan out. I am going to be a history maker. And then you walk in and stand there like none of that matters.




You’re different though. You still don’t care about me, you still look through me and you still seem disappointed. But your anger, your hatred, your evil is missing. That’s what always made me afraid of you. I never knew what you were going to do and most of what you did was horrific. Now though, I know I’m safe. I’m bulletproof.


I’m the one with the power; I’m the one with the control. Seeing you there after 55 years and you still don’t give a dam. I’m filled with your old rage, your old hatred and I remember your old evil. You have disappointed me, you haven’t worked hard enough, it’s you this time who got everything wrong. I am going to make you feel how I used to feel, so you know what you did to me.


But I still want your praise, I still want you to be there to guide me if I need it and I’ve missed you. Most of all I just want to talk, to tell you everything and hear what happened to you, but I know that won’t happen. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of things that will never happen so one more thing won’t hurt. I guess that’s love though.


Our twisted relationship. Built on fear and need rather than trust and true love. What we had was always one sided and even now it still is. To me you will always be my father, the man I love above all others because you are family. To you I will always be the mistake that you could never dispose of, the burden you never wanted to bare. I will never be your son. And that hurts.


One day I will finally do something that will make you happy, and you will at least see me as your friend. One day you’ll think back to the time we spent together and you will remember the few good memories. One day, if only for a second, you’ll miss me.

And I will finally find my happiness.





I look at you and for a moment there is nothing. You were such a disappointment back then but here you are, still working, still trying to impress someone. It’s a shame really as I wanted so much for you but I built my expectations up too high and you just weren’t good enough. You couldn’t do anything right then and even now looking at you, so proud of your little plan, I feel embarrassed for you. Truly, have you really thought this through properly? Do you really think people are going to be proud of this rubbish you believe will, finally, make you a history maker? Something will go wrong because it’s you.


I used to imagine having a right hand man that was just perfect; confident, strong and of course almost as bloodthirsty as me. I thought I had found that in you. You were going to be a much better companion than everyone else I had tried in the past. You were going to be glorious, standing by my side; my very own history maker. But you were never able to get out of my shadow, never able to get past that pathetic idea that you were normal, human. That’s why I did what I did. Not because I was evil or that I hated you. I was helping you. You needed to get past being human and embrace your new majesty. But I guess I left before I could push you to become anything special.    




 I feel the change between us as I walk in. You are the one pulling the strings now but you don’t seem to realise just how much I’ve changed. You still seem scared of me and it’s pitiful. Have you seen me? 55 years without blood has been wonderful for my conscience but for my appearance! I know I don’t look like the Lord Hal I used to be.  

I think back to what I did to you and I am ashamed. I ruined your life, I know and I’m sorry but the man I was before didn’t care about that. I have been so many people, Cutler, you should understand that but you don’t. All you see is a chance to prove yourself again but I really don’t care. The man I was when you knew me may have been mildly impressed by how well you have managed on your own and how well you have done for yourself but this version of me just isn’t. I’m only interested in what you’re doing so I can try to protect my friends.

And they are my friends, they’re my family. They are everything you always wanted to be to me. I know you wanted to be my son, that in your head you got it twisted that I would be like a father to you. In no way has time changed my thoughts on that though. I am never going to be a father figure to anyone, although I do feel as if I may have gained a brother but that person most definitely isn’t you.

You are all the things that I’m trying not to be. How could I let you back into my life again when I know you would just drag me back to the thing I used to be? I wish I could help you, I really do. If only for the time we spent together and the few good memories that there were. But I’ve found my place in the world now and I have a family that I know will protect me and look after me just as much as I will for them.

I am finally without blood, without vampires and without violence. My days are full of routine, friendship and love. I’m living my life with a ghost, a werewolf and a baby and strangely I’ve found my happiness.




If we still deserve such a thing as mercy, we find each other...

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